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It's Sunday night, and I'm sitting in my bed trying to write on that stupid essay we're supposed to hand in tomorrow. But it's just so utterly boring D: I mean, the theme is "bullying" and it's like, WOW, never written about that before, what is bullying by the way?

Gah Dx

So, instead of only writing about bullies and suicide, I'm writing chapter 6 of my story Luka too. Which is about rape.... yeah *shifty eyes*

But anyway, here are some FMLs:

Today, I was on the London underground. My feet were aching, so I really wanted a seat. A mother and child got off the train and I heard her say, 'why didn't you wait?' Going to sit down I wondered what he was supposed to wait for, then proceeded to sit in his (still warm) piss. FML

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

Today, I was ringing a lady up at the register. I noticed her son was doing the peepee dance, so I rushed the payment process up and handed her the receipt. The little boy says "Mommy" and the mom looks down, then back up at me saying, "Your problem now" and walks out. The boy peed on the floor. FML

More at FMyLife ~ Take a look, have fun :p

Side note: They've made the D.Gray-Man section on Mangashare into a D.Gray-Man and Psyren section... I feel kind of...disappointed...



I had absolutely nothing to do, so I decided to check out some of my friends' journals ^^ (I don't spend much time on Livejournal), so I found this on Jou_puppy's journal  and found myself attracted to the pretty pictures ^^ and I decided to try it out ^^ My result was:

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.


The first thing I noticed, after seeing the pretty picture (dragons, I love dragons <3), was the "They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one." And I had to laugh a bit, because seeing as this is as John Lennon quote (original: You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one) I found it a bit funny to see it used in association with tarot xP lol

But anyway, star.....how fancy~~ *dreams*


2nd One Shot - Time to Say Goodbye

So, it's time for my second KandaxAllen One shot ^^ Yay! I started this a long time ago and finally decided to finish it, like I do with almost all of my fan fics. It's a bit long, longer then I expected, but I suppose that's not a problem.


Title: Time to Say Goodbye
Pairing: KandaxAllen (yullen)
Rating: T
Genre: Drama/Romance
Summary: Usually, when one thinks everything is going fine, life tends to throw your beliefs right back in your face. Allen learns this the hard way when he is suddenly sent on a mission with Kanda in the middle of the night. Kanda is the only one who knows the details about the mission, and for some reason doesn't want to share. Sitting in the train compartment with no idea where they are going, or what they are doing, Allen starts feeling unsettled.
Words: 4111

~~Time to Say Goodbye~~

Allen had never liked the darkness of the night. It wasn't that it scared him as much as it had when he was younger, but the thought of not being able to distinguish friend from foe was unsettling. Whenever he was on missions, he had always been much more careful in the darkness. Not because of the Akuma, but because of the fear of hurting people he didn't mean to hurt.

He was more sure of himself now however. He knew he was strong enough, and that if situation called for it, he would be able to protect the once who needed it. It had, after all, been a while since he had unlocked his innocence’s true power.

They were really close to winning the war, everyone could feel it. They had been able to take out many of the Noahs, and many of the exorcists had evolved over the past few months. The Earl had done a great number on them, but they were still growing strong. Allen had finally started to dream for a better future, one that didn't contain fighting and death. Maybe, he would be able to live a few years after the war had ended, before the Innocence finally drained him of his strength.

But he didn't want to think about that right now. Didn't want to get his hopes up, because he knew that he most likely wouldn't survive this war. What was Allen's biggest concern at the moment, was where they were going. All around them there were thick fog, making it even harder to see now that the sun had just gone down behind the horizon.

He turned around and looked at the other occupant in the train cabin. In the middle of the night he had been given orders to go on a mission. He hadn't been given any more details then that, but had been told that Kanda knew exactly where they were going and what they were supposed to do. Not that this comforted him in any way, he doubted Kanda would bother telling him the mission details, just so the chance of him getting killed would be bigger. But that didn't keep him from asking.

«Kanda, where are we going? »

Kanda had been quiet for the whole ride. Not that that was unusual, since Kanda always seemed to prefer silence and ignore his companions, but he didn't have the same strong eyes, slightly bored look, and tight composure he always had. Allen could swear his eyes were softer, and when he looked at Allen, he almost had this tender, caring look. Well, as much tender and caring Kanda could get.

Kanda didn't even glare at him when he broke the silence. He always did that, especially when he asked a question. Kanda hated questions. But not now, not this time.

Kanda looked at him, but Allen couldn't see any hate or anger in his eyes. His eyes were unreadable, and Allen didn't like that. He would much rather have seen anger in Kanda's eyes, than the empty look he had as he looked at him.

«You'll find out. »

Allen hmpf'ed, not liking that answer at all, but decided not comment it. If Kanda wanted to keep secrets, fine, he would know it soon anyway. Still, Allen didn't like the silence between them. It wasn't that it was tense or anything, but he just couldn't put his finger on what was wrong. Because despite the slightly calming silence, there was something nagging at the back of his mind, almost like a warning.

«Kanda, what are you going to do when the war is over? »

He asked the first thing he could think of, wanting to break the silence at all costs, and to suppress the unwanted thoughts.

Kanda didn't look at him this time, but Allen was going to ask over and over until he answered. If Kanda didn't want to talk, he would have to resort to Tim, and he didn't want that. Tim couldn't talk back after all.

He waited a moment, but it didn't seem like Kanda was going to react at all. Pouting, he decided to try again.

«Kanda» he said in a stern voice, and Kanda's eyes finally met his. He smiled.

«What are you going to do when the war is over? »

It seemed like Kanda studied him before he answered, his eyes never leaving Allen's.

«I have never bothered thinking about it. Most likely, I won't be alive to see that happen. »

Allen was surprised at the answer, but an understanding smile grazed his features as he sighed.

«I don't think I will be either. »

Kanda looking at him, something showing in his eyes that Allen wasn't able to decipher before it was gone.

«But, you know. I do have imagination, and it would be a lie to say that I haven't once tried to imagine myself having a normal life. » He smiled, looking out the window at the tiny stars covering the night sky.

«Maybe, if the earl had never existed, and there was no need for exorcists or the dark order, maybe we would all have never met. Maybe could all have been with our families, instead of spending the most of our lives fighting for a world we'll never be a part of.»

He chuckled, and Kanda looked at him weirdly.

«Ah, I was just wondering if Komui wouldn't be that sister complex he is now, if none of this had happened. But then I tried to imagine Komui as a normal brother, you know, but that was just weird.»

A light laughter escaped his lips and he could swear he saw Kanda's mouth twitch slightly upwards. Allen smiled wider, liking the thought of being able to lighten up Kanda's mood, even if just a little.

«And maybe Lavi wouldn't have been the next bookman. I bet that if Lavi had been free from his bookman duties, he would probably have spent the most of his time dating girls.» Allen grinned, thinking back on the time when they had been in Krory's castle and Lavi had fallen for Eliade.

 «And who knows...» he started slowly, looking at Kanda, who actually had his whole attention at Allen for once.

«maybe you would have a different life. One without...certain restrictions-»

He could see that Kanda tensed a little, understanding that Allen referred to the lotus, withering in his room.

«and maybe you'd never have met me.»

Allen smiled as Kanda made a low noise, staring at him.

«I bet that would have made your life a bit easier.»

Kanda growled, and looked out the window.

«You have no idea...»

Allen laughed, also looking out the window. It was getting darker fast, a clear sign that winter soon would be here. Gray clouds were starting to spread at the sky, covering the stars and hiding them from view. Allen was sure it was going to snow soon.

«But like I said, who knows. Maybe life would have been better, but it might also have not.»

Kanda snorted.

«And what in your eyes could be worse than the life of an exorcist? Or do you enjoy the thought of killing?»

«No, I don't.» Allen snapped back. He leaned back on the bench, his eyelids slowly dropping due to tiredness.

«The life of an exorcist is horrible, but we're not killing, we're saving.»

Allen could see Kanda rolling his eyes in the glass' reflection. Allen childishly stuck out his tongue, crossing his arms.

«Besides, what I meant was. How do we know our lives would have been better without this war, and maybe the change a war like this brings is able to change people for the better? When I think about how I lived before I joined the order, I'm sure it could have been better, but, it could also have been worse. Even if Innocence had never existed, it would still have been possible for me to be born with a deformed arm, and to be abandoned.»

Closing his eyes, he could feel sleep starting to cloud his mind.

«And, if it hadn't been for the Innocence, I would probably never have met Mana.» He smiled slightly at the memory. Mana had been the clothes to a father, and he couldn't imagine a life without Mana.

He looked up into Kanda's eyes, and smiled cheerfully.

«And then I had never met you, or Lenalee, or Lavi, or anyone in the order.»

A sharp rapping came on the door, causing Allen to jump slightly in surprise.

«Y-yes?» He stuttered, trying to calm down his rapidly beating heart.

«Master Kanda, it's getting late.»

Allen looked at Kanda, but it didn't seem like Kanda had reacted at all, he only continued to stare at Allen.

«U-um, what did he mean by that, Kanda?» Allen asked with a small voice, suddenly a bit unsure. A few moments passed without any of them saying anything, but Kanda finally stood up and walked over to the door.

«Get up Beansprout, this is our stop.» With that he opened the door and went out.

Allen got to his feet, a little slowly since he was already a bit sleepy. He followed Kanda out of the cabin, smiled at the finder, before continuing to follow Kanda off the train. Allen hadn't even noticed that the train had stopped while they were inside.

The air was chilly and cold making Allen pull his exorcist coat tighter around himself to keep warm. The stop they had gone off on was completely empty, and seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. There were a few lamps that were lit that lightened up the station, which was nothing more than a small stone platform, but besides that, there was nothing much there.

Allen looked around confused.

«Kanda, are you sure this is the right-»

«It's the right one, just follow.»

Allen nodded, shivering a little at Kanda's sudden cold attitude.

Kanda turned to the finder and glared at him. «You stay here. » He ordered, before he turned and motioned Allen to follow him.

«But master Kanda...» Allen heard from behind.

«Just shut the fuck up and do what I told you, you piece of shit. »

Allen was stunned. Why was Kanda suddenly so mad? He had been so calm only a few minutes ago, and didn't want to admit it, but it was a little scary when Kanda was in his darkest moods.

Kanda turned swiftly and started walking. Allen was hesitating, looking from Kanda to the finder, and back to Kanda again. He had no idea what was going on, and he was starting to feel a little scared. He knew something was about to happen, he could feel it. Goosebumps were showing on his skin, and he was starting to feel a tiny bit desperate. But instead of dwelling to much, he did the only thing that seemed safe to him; he followed after Kanda.

«Kanda, you're making me nervous. Please tell me where we are and where we're headed. »

Silence. Kanda didn't answer him. Why didn't he say anything? Allen could se no good reason to hide things from him, since they were partners on the same mission.

As they walked, Allen turned to see how far they had gone and discovered that he could no longer see the lights of the train or the train station. They were in the middle of the woods, and only a few meters down he could see the reflection of moonlight in water. It was a small lake in the middle of nowhere, and right at the edge of the forest clearing, Kanda finally came to a halt.

Allen looked around wearily, still not understanding anything.

«Kanda what-»

«I hated you. »

Allen blinked.

«Excuse me? »

«From the moment we met, I knew I was going to hate you. I knew you were the kind of person, the naive and selfless kind that never knows when they should shut up and take a look at themselves.»

Allen stood there dumbfounded. This made absolutely no sense at all. Kanda had picked him up at 1:00 am, and travelled to god knows where, only to tell him that he hated him? Allen already knew that, he didn't have to go to such drastic lengths to get his message through.

Allen was about to ask what Kanda meant when he suddenly turned around and looked him straight in the eyes. His eyes were dark and so very deep, but Allen couldn't decipher what emotion they held.

«I've hated you and acted accordingly, and the Vatican knew this. »

What did the Vatican have to do with this?

«They know I'm the cold-hearted bastard that follows orders no matter what. That's what they've heard from the finders, and that's why they chose me to do a mission for them. »

Allen didn't know where this was going, but hearing Kanda talk like that didn't make him keen on knowing either. Kanda was deadly serious, the way he only was in battle when his life was at stake.

«But...not everything can be seen on the outside. After a while, I started to understand that about you, that you were only acting nice and caring because if you weren't, if you made yourself more important to you, then you would be reminded of things you just wanted to forget. »

«Kanda, what are you-»

«It's the same with me. Though, fighting is my relief, not smiling. »

«Kanda, why are you bringing this up now? Here? Don't we have a mission to finish? »

«No. »

Kanda's voice was ice cold. «This is my mission only. »


«I'm the only one....suitable for this kind of mission. » He spat the last word out like it was foul tasting.

«But then why am I-»


Allen nearly jumped at Kanda's sharp tone.

«My mission is to kill you. »

Kanda's eyes showed no emotion, just plain darkness and emptiness that reflected in Allen's eyes.

He couldn't believe what he had just heard. He couldn't-wouldn't, no, it wasn't true, it couldn't be. He knew that the Vatican only thought of the exorcists as bricks in a play, and that they didn't really care what misery befell them, but wasn't he an important exorcist? He was a critical, his powers were on the same level as a general. That was why they had kept him under surveillance all this time, wasn't it? To keep him restricted so he would obey they orders, because they needed him to do so? Or had hey finally grown tired of having to worry about him turning into a Noah and suddenly attack HQ?

No matter what the reason, nothing could damper the shock this information caused him.

«K-kill me? What are you talking about Kanda?» He laughed miserably, silently begging Kanda to start admitting that he was joking. «Why would they-»

«They told me that you were a threat to the Order, and that you were too close to becoming a Noah to let live. » As he said this, Kanda moved to rest his hand on the hilt of his sword. His eyes were unchanging, and didn't carry any repulse despite what he had just said. Admits all his confusion and pain, Allen noticed as much.

He could feel his eyes becoming hot and wet. After Kanda having seen him crying in Matel, Allen had never wanted to cry in front of him again, because of his respect for Kanda. He wanted to be acknowledged by him, and that wouldn't happen unless he stopped showing weaknesses. After all, Kanda hated weak persons. Yet this time, he would allow it. After all, who wouldn't cry when they knew they had only a few moments left in life?

Despite the tears, he tried to smile. The result was a weak curl of lips, but still a smile none the less.

«Are you going to kill me, Kanda? » He whispered. The salty tears were leaking into his mouth, and he could taste the bitterness. He wanted to dry them away with his hands, but at the same time, he didn't want to move a muscle. Because if he didn't, if he didn't move, maybe he would wake up and discover that this was all a dream, and had never been anything other than a dream.

Kanda wasn't looking at him anymore. He was looking down on his hands that were held out in front of him, and his bangs were hiding his eyes from view. Allen didn't know what Kanda was thinking. He never had, though it had never bothered him until now.


Allen blinked.

«I don't know what to do anymore. »

A wind filled the space between them and Allen started to feel cold. The tone in Kanda's voice made him feel empty. The way his voice sounded so hoarse and tired, the way he sounded so lost, not knowing anymore what was right and what was wrong.

«If I don't kill you, someone else will. If I let you go, you would immediately be hunted down and put to death. There is no escape from the Vatican. »

Allen knew this. He had been warned many times that committing treason would only lead to his own death. The Order had restricted him so much Allen had almost felt the leash burning around his neck.

He knew there was no escape.

He opened his mouth, wanting to comfort Kanda, to put him out of that misery he was in, but he had no idea what to say. How could he comfort him, when he himself was breaking inside?

«Kanda...I'm sorry.»

He raised his hand to dry away the tears. He rubbed and rubbed, but there seemed to be no end to them. They just kept flowing out, staining his cheeks and making his skin sore. Why wouldn't they stop? He had wanted to cry, but he hadn't wanted to fall apart in front of Kanda when this would be the last time the man ever saw him. What would Kanda think of him then?

Suddenly warm arms encircled him, pulling him into a warm and comfortable body. Allen didn't have to look up to see that Kanda had embraced him. He dug his face into Kanda's shoulder and grabbed two fistfuls of his uniform with his hands. The hands were tight around him, holding him as he let the tears flow freely.

«Don't you dare say that again, Beansprout! Nothing is your fault, it never was your fault, so don't you dare think like that either. »

Kanda's mouth was right next to his ear and his warm breath made Allen shiver. It was so cold where they were, in the middle of the forest, in the middle of nowhere. But Kanda's embrace was warm, and his scent relaxed him. The scent of home.

«Kanda, you don't have to do this. Just tell the finder that you don't want to, and let someone else-»


Kanda silenced him as he leaned his forehead against his. It had been a long time since they had been this close, since they had been able to enjoy each other's company without having to worry about others discovering. Why did this have to be the last time?

«I've told you before Beansprout, to never go where I can't follow.»

Allen nodded, though not understanding what Kanda meant.

«I'll never leave you, even if your path is different than mine. »



Allen drew a sharp breath, hearing his name being said with such a tender voice, by one who had never said it before, always preferred to call him a nickname to keep him distanced from himself.

«I...I lo...»

The situation was so serious, and the atmosphere so tangible and soft, that what Allen did didn't exactly fit the picture. He chuckled, laughing softly as Kanda struggled to say what Allen knew he had always had a hard time to say.

«S-shut up Beansprout, I’m being fucking serious here! »

He just couldn't help it. Seeing Kanda struggle to get his meaning trough, something he usually didn't have any trouble with, was simply too funny to let pass. He looked up at Kanda’s frustrated face, laughter still rocking his body. Despite looking half-angry, half-frustrated, there was a tint of pink in his cheeks. This made of course Allen smile wider.

“Finally facing your trauma, Kanda?” He grinned. “Ouch, quit it!”

Humming deep in his throat, Kanda stopped pinching Allen’s side, instead resting the arm on the hilt of his sword. The other arm that was still holding onto Allen as if he would slip through his fingers if he only lowered his guard a little. He tightened his hold.

“Beansprout, you won’t be going alone.”

Allen almost stopped breathing.

“What do you mean?” His voice was wavering. Deep inside, he knew what Kanda meant, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. He didn’t want Kanda to tell him this, didn’t want to be told something like that. He felt ashamed at the small spark of happiness it gave him.

“I promised I’d give my life to protect you, but since I failed, the only thing I can do is to go with you. To make sure you are safe.”

Allen shook his head rapidly, pushing against the broad chest he was held against. He needed to see Kanda’s face, to stare into his eyes and tell him that it wasn’t what he wanted, that he wouldn’t allow Kanda to do it.

“I also said I would give my life to protect you, so if you go with me now, I’ll fail too. You can’t, I won’t allow you!”

He looked hard into Kanda’s eyes, hoping his determination would get Kanda to agree with him like he so very often did. This time however, Kanda only bowed down and planted to kiss to his forehead. Allen leaned up to meet him, and they shared a kiss.

“Then you have nothing to fear, because then we’re equal.”

He sighed in defeat, resting his head on Kanda’s shoulder. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop Kanda from doing what he wanted, no matter how much it pained him. Kanda was, after all, the one who had been given the order.

The moon was in the middle of the night sky, the unusually strong light lighting up everything, bathing the forest in moonlight.

They stood there, unmoving, not speaking, not thinking. Only holding on to each other for dear life, knowing that they would have to part soon. The finder would probably soon come looking for Kanda, and by then, they would have to be done.

Allen turned his head on Kanda’s shoulder, looking to his side, at the lake.

“What do you think Lenalee’s reaction will be?”

Kanda huffed.

“Knowing her, she’ll probably first throw a fit and then start crying.”

“…and Lavi?”

“Would probably comfort her.”

Allen nodded. “I hope there will be a day when they don’t have to fight anymore. I always hated to see her cry.”

“Either way, we won’t be there to witness it. What happens after tonight is of no concern to us, though…”

Kanda paused, looking at Allen.

“I hope for that too.”

The sound of metal against metal was heard as Kanda drew his sword. The Mugen he had used for years to protect others and himself. Used with the hope to maybe one day achieve their goal of a time where he didn’t have to use it anymore. Today was that day, even though it wasn’t the way he had imagined. He looked down on the person in his arms, feeling a wave of emotions coursing through him at the thought of never seeing him again. But he kept it inside. To say it out loud would only make things harder than they already were.

He held the sword up to his partner’s back, the tip of the blade only a few centimetres away from his body.

“It’s time to say goodbye, Beansprout.”

Allen looked up at him, all tears gone from his face, only tracks could be seen on the childish face.

Shaking his head in denial, Allen smiled. The same smile he always wore when he returned to HQ after a mission, a smile filled with happiness and hope.

“No goodbye, Kanda. I’ll see you in a bit, won’t I?”

Kanda looked at him in surprise, but nodded, a smirk threatening to show on his face.

“See you then, Beansprout!”

“See you, Bakanda!”


Oh my GOD!!! i'm so annoyed right now. YOu stupid CRAPJUNKSCRAP of a COMPUTER!!! It's so slow, I really REALLY want to throw it in the wall. I type something, and then the computer react, like, 10 SECONDS LATER. If it wouldn't be for the fact that I had many important fan fictions and pictures on this computer, it would have been a GONER by now!!!!! Grrrr!! And why does the autosave always scroll the draft up to the top? It's really, VERY annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xdxdxdxdxd


Oneshot fanfic: Yullen

So, I wrote this one shot some time ago, but I was never happy with the ending. That's why, the ending is a little weird (like; it doesn't make any sense), but hey, it's fan fiction :D I might correct the ending if I come up with a better one, but for now I'll let it be.

Title: Sparrows and Beansprouts
Pairing: Kanda/Allen (yullen)
Rating: PG-13....I think, or T as I like to call it
Summary: Kanda and Allen are on a mission. But when Allen finds a wounded sparrow he gets a little distracted, much to Kanda's annoyance. One Shot! Yullen!
Words: 3,889

 ~~Sparrows and Beansprouts~~

“Kanda, look.”

Kanda looked up from the mission report he had decided to reread. They had finally arrived in Norway after a storm full night on the ferry. Surprisingly, there had been good weather when they arrived in Bergen; Komui had warned him that the city was known for being very rainy and to keep their coats on most of the time since the weather was very unpredictable.

When they had met up with the finder they were led to the hotel where they were supposed to stay. The finder had given them more details before they went to their room to relax. Allen however, had been restless and taken a walk to look around, a walk he had just returned from.


Allen held his hands out, showing what he had found.

In his hands was a dot of brown, but when Kanda looked closely he could see that the dot of brown was not a dot, but a very scared sparrow.

“Why the heck did you pick up a fucking bird? It looks like it’s about to die from fear.”

Allen bit his bottom lip.

“But I think it’s wounded, because when I got closer to it, it seemed like it wanted to fly, but was unable too.” He explained, looking worriedly at the little sparrow in his hands. It wasn’t shivering as much now, but it still didn’t seem like it was comfortable.

Kanda sighed and put the documents away and made his way over to Allen to take a look at the bird.

“I tried to see if there was a nest somewhere in the nearby trees, but I couldn’t find any.” Allen continued as Kanda inspected the bird. Kanda could clearly see that the bird had wounded its wings and was unable to fly, and he knew what it meant when a bird somehow damaged one of its wings.

“He has a wounded wing, which means he’s as good as dead.”

Allen stared at him, his eyes becoming all glassy.

“B-but, it’s still alive…can’t we help it somehow?” He whispered the last part and held the bird closer to his chest, wanting to make it feel more comfortable by warming it.

Kanda sighed, Allen was too naïve sometimes; most people knew that when a bird was unable to fly its life had already been lost, Allen just didn’t want to accept that it was already too late.

“No, there is no way to help it, as I said; he’s as good as dead, the only way we can help him is to ease his pain.”

“B-but…” Allen’s lip quivered when he talked, something that made Kanda a little angry. It was just a goddamn bird, and it was as good as dead, why bother to even try to help it? Their attempts would be fruitless anyway.

“Just, argh, if it’s so hard for you, let me do it.” He was about to unsheathe Mugen, but Allen didn’t seem to like the idea at all.

“NO, you can’t…just like that…he still has a chance.”

Kanda growled in frustration; he had completely forgotten how stubborn Allen could be. Allen would never let him kill the bird. Even though Kanda told him it was for the best, Allen would still think that there was a way to save it.

“Please Kanda, just let me keep him for a few days. I’ll bandage his wing, feed him and keep him warm, I know it will help.”

Allen smiled at Kanda, but Kanda could see that it was a strained smile.

Kanda sighed once again, “Fine, keep him, but for god’s sake, don’t forget you’re on a mission; you’ll barely have time to take care of it.” He went back to his bed and sat on the bed side, picking up the documents again.

In the corner of his eye he could see Allen walking over to his bed and placing the bird in the warm sheets. He then stood up and left the room, leaving Kanda alone with the bird.

Kanda looked at the bird who helplessly tried to flap its wings. It was a useless struggle, Kanda knew, and it would be better to kill it right now then to let it suffer. But Allen had insisted on taking care of it, and maybe that was the only way to make him realise that it never had a chance in the first place.

After a few minutes, Allen re-entered the room carrying a box, paper, a few woollen dots and two bowls; one filled with water and the other one with bread.

Kanda rolled his eyes at Allen’s childishness as Allen started to rip the paper in bits, placing it in the box over the woollen dots. Birds weren’t human and didn’t need to keep the warmth the same way humans did, and it didn’t seem like Allen knew the difference. But Kanda decided not to interfere, this was what Allen wanted, as long as it didn’t disturb the mission in any way Allen could do whatever he wanted for all Kanda cared.

“We’ll be fighting tomorrow Beansprout, get some sleep, you’ll need it.”

Allen scowled at him. “I will, and my name is Allen, BaKanda.”

He went to the bed and gently lifted the bird in his hands. It didn’t protest as Allen placed it in the box together with the water and food bowl. Kanda knew that was a bad sign, but Allen smiled at the little bird, stroking it lightly on the feathers.

“Good night!” Kanda heard Allen say, as he put the lid, which had been pierced many times to make holes so fresh air could enter through it. Allen got up and changed into his night shirt before he threw himself on the bed, quickly hiding underneath the sheets.

“Good night, Kanda”

Kanda grunted in response.


The next day, Allen and Kanda were out searching the whole day, which means, the sparrow had been alone the whole time. They had run into a couple of Akuma, a few level three and some level ones, but they hadn’t had much trouble with taking care of them. Allen, like the genius he was, had gotten himself hurt by falling down from a building and Kanda had not been able to save him. This had resulted in that Kanda had to carry Allen piggyback to the hotel.

“Next time you fall, do it in a way that won’t make you an invalid.”

In other words, Kanda was not in a good mood. He knew Allen was unable to take care of himself, and it almost seemed like he was taking it out on Kanda, unintentionally.

“For the fifth time, Im sorry! It’s not like I wanted to fall.” Allen huffed in response as he continued to cling to Kanda. Kanda had been complaining for the last 10 minutes and when he wasn’t complaining he would be making unpleasant growling noises. Allen decided to change the topic.

“How do you think the sparrow is doing? He looked really comfortable didn’t he?”

Allen asked Kanda, his voice a bit happier. Allen had checked the sparrow in the morning, and it had been sound asleep. Kanda had also checked, or rather, he had been forced to check on it by Allen who had been very enthusiastic.

Kanda however, knew that even if the bird was comfortable now, it could never fly again, and a bird that couldn’t fly was already doomed.

Still, Kanda chose not to beat it into the thick scull of Allen’s because he knew that it always took a long time for Allen to cheer up again and he didn’t know if he could handle a sulky Allen on a two week long mission.

Kanda shrugged at Allen’s questions.

“It’s still alive.” “Most likely”, he mentally added. He didn’t knew why he didn’t say it out loud, but Allen would probably get all worked up over something trivial as a simple comment, and he was in no state to get worked up.

Allen nodded and rested his head on Kanda’s shoulder.

When they were back at the hotel, Kanda had a hard time dragging Allen away from the bird. The bird was the first thing Allen checked when he came into the room and the last thing he checked when he went out of it.

“Get over here right now or I’ll swear I’ll make that wound of yours look like a scratch compared to what I will do.” Kanda yelled angrily at Allen who had once again slipped out of his hands and limped over to the bird. Allen ignored him as he checked the bird. It didn’t seem like it had eaten anything though he had put the food right in front of him. He had even tried to force feed it with wet bread, but it still didn’t want to eat.

“But Kanda, he hasn’t eaten anything.” Allen protested as Kanda once again dragged him away from the damn bird.

“I don’t care, now sit still.” Ha pushed Allen down on the bed and pulled up his pants to check on the bleeding wound. It didn’t look good, but there was no danger in it, all Kanda had to do was stop the bleeding, cleanse it and bandage it. Allen remained silent through the whole process except for a few whimpers now and then. The wound didn’t look so bad when the blood had been removed, but Kanda knew that Allen shouldn’t strain it too much or the wound would reopen.

“Don’t walk around too much if you want it to heal.”

Kanda breathed out heavily as he stood up and watched Allen move his leg up and down to test it. He winced now and then, underlining what Kanda had said. Allen wouldn’t be able to walk for a while, but since it didn’t seem like there was Innocence nearby at the moment, Allen could take his time to heal.

“Thanks.” Allen smiled at Kanda.


“and Kanda?”




Kanda crouched down, his back against Allen. Allen grabbed his shoulders and got on Kanda’s back.



“Kanda, he’s not moving.”

Kanda walked over to where Allen was and sat beside him. The bird in the box lied completely still, it didn’t even move when Kanda touched it with his finger. There was just as much water and bread there as it had been when Allen had brought the bowls in. Allen had changed the water once or twice, but Kanda knew that the bird hadn’t been drinking any of it.

Kanda sighed (he had been doing that a lot lately). “It’s dead.” It seemed like the bird had been hurt more than just the broken wing. Kanda refrained from sating “I told you so”, though the situation was just like he had imagined it would be.

He packed the bird in one of the paper bits, removed the bowls from the box and put the lid back on. He glanced at Allen, who had been quite since Kanda had told him it was dead.

Allen’s shoulders were shaking and Kanda could see by his facial expression that he tried his best to hold the tears in. He was fiddling with the coat arms and didn’t dare look up, fearing it might cause the tears to start leaking.

He really was a kid, Kanda thought as he pulled Allen against him with his right arm, offering Allen his shoulder. Allen started to sob as soon as his face was hidden in the pit between Kanda’s neck and shoulder. It didn’t take long before Kanda felt cold liquid running down his neck, but it didn’t bother him. He would let Allen cry on his shoulder all he wanted if that was what he needed.

They sat completely still for a long time, Kanda holding Allen and Allen leaning on Kanda. Allen had stopped crying, but he didn’t want to move just yet, Kanda’s embrace was warm and comforting. They had been sitting still for a long while, not letting the silence bother them and Allen began to feel drowsy. He still didn’t feel like moving and only closed his eyes and continued to enjoy the warmth Kanda provided.

“Oy, Beansprout, I won’t let you sleep on me, if you’re tired then go to bed.” Kanda suddenly said, making Allen crack his eyelids open in hope of getting more awake. He made a small protesting sound, not wanting to move just yet, but Kanda wouldn’t let him lean on him any longer.

Allen felt Kanda shift, and the hand that had been around his shoulders being removed as Kanda got up. Allen looked at the box in front of him and felt sadness wash over him once again. It seemed like Kanda noticed his expression as he grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet none too gently.


Shit, Kanda forgot that Allen’s leg hadn’t healed yet. Allen grasped Kanda’s shoulder to steady himself, he had a pained expression for a while and his breathing came in small hiccups for a while, but the pain seemed to go over fast and Allen limped his way over to his bed and sat down.

Kanda followed Allen’s example and sat down at his own bed which was on the opposite side of Allen.

“Can we…make a grave for it? I couldn’t help it so it’s the least I can do.” Allen asked Kanda after a few minutes of awkward silence. Kanda looked up in Allen’s swollen red eyes and Kanda couldn’t help but think that Allen was much too naïve for his own good, though Kanda had always known, this was a perfect example. But did he really have to feel remorse for the death of a single bird? It’s not like it was the first bird to ever die.

Still, Kanda nodded slightly.

“We’ll do it tomorrow morning, I’m going to bed.” He said as he changed into his night shirt and laid himself under the warm sheets. It didn’t take long before he was deep asleep, and Allen, after saying the normal “good night”, followed soon after.

The day after, it rained.


There had been two days since the bird had died, and Allen just couldn’t bear with the fact that it was still in the box inside their room. They had been out patrolling, the rain didn’t stop them from doing their mission, but it did stop them from making a grave for the bird.

Luckily, the clouds looked like they would break up a little so maybe they would have some time then.

They had found traces of the Innocence, but they had yet to find the Innocence. Those long patrols through the streets were getting boring and at the moment it seemed like the mission would take much longer than two weeks.

Allen had asked Kanda why they had been sent away for two whole weeks when the mission had been in a neighbour country and Kanda had answered that it was because there might be more than one Innocence.

Allen didn’t feel like fighting at the moment, the only thing in his thoughts was to bury the bird. Kanda knew that, and it frustrated him more than anything. First Allen had been sad when the bird was alive, then he had been sad when the bird died, and now he was sad because they couldn’t make a fucking grave for it?

Kanda knew he was overreacting, but that kid really needed to get a grip. They were exorcists and…

Kanda stopped his trail of thoughts when he noticed where it was leading. He remembered saying something similar to Allen on their first mission together, and now that he thought back, this whole situation seemed like it was Mater all over again.

Back then, Allen had also cried for not being able to save the doll and the human with it. The Akuma had removed the Innocence from Lala, turning her back into the doll she originally had been and in the same strike killed Guzol, the human, right after Allen had told Kanda he wanted to protect them.

Seriously, Allen was much too soft for his own good.

Kanda was standing outside watching the weather, the faster they got to bury that bird the faster Allen would be able to even bother listening to what Kanda told him. It was no longer raining, and Kanda, who thought that this would be the only opportunity they would ever get, went inside to get Allen.

“Oy, Beansprout.”

Allen looked away from the box and at Kanda who nodded at the window. Allen followed Kanda’s gaze to the window and noticed that it had stopped raining. Allen nodded, still staring at the clouds, and stood up, bringing the box with him. His leg was as good as healed, only a tiny cut left, and he was able to walk all on his own.

When they were outside, the clouds had cleared up even more, though the sun still wasn’t able to break through.

They walked over to the place where Allen said he had found the bird. It wasn’t far from the main entrance and there were a few trees, almost circling around the spot where Allen stopped. He sat down, placed the box right next to him, and started digging in the ground with his hands. The ground was soft because of all the raining and it made it easier for Allen to dig, though it still would have been convenient with a spade of some sort.

It took Allen almost 30 minutes to finish digging a grave where the box would fit (Kanda had asked him why he bothered digging the box down, at which Allen had said that “he might be small, but he deserves a proper coffin like everyone else”), and it took him almost 5 minutes only to put the lid on the box before throwing the soil back where it belonged.

Allen had completely forgotten about Kanda and turned around to see him standing right behind him with two wooden sticks. Allen looked questioningly at him, at which he frowned at.

“Every grave needs a gravestone.” Kanda said, as if it had been obvious from the very beginning.

Kanda sat down next to a chuckling Allen.

“Thanks Kanda, though you can’t really call this a stone now, can you?”

Kanda hrmph-ed, giving the sticks to Allen, who took them with care. He then furrowed his eyebrows, as if in thought.

“But what should I tie them together with?” He asked Kanda, holding one stick in each of his hands.

“Che. Surely you can do something yourself?”

Allen glared at him, before an idea hit him. He undid the red ribbon he always wore around his neck and tied the two sticks together as a cross. It was small, but a cross none the less.

He then stuck it to the ground right above the grave, and brought his palms together in a silent prayer.

For the first time Kanda decided to keep silent as Allen once again showed affection for the dead bird. Kanda respected the dead that much, and though the grave was small, it was still a grave.

After a minute or two in silence, Allen folded his hands in his lap and stared a little at the grave before he turned back to Kanda.

“Do you think it’s at peace now?” Allen asked Kanda, still a little worried if the bird really was comfortable the way it was now.

Kanda looked at Allen for a long time before he answered. Allen still cared for the bird, even though it was dead, and he wanted it to rest peacefully. Kanda found it ridicules, but seeing Allen’s seriously worried face, he decided to not state his opinions. It would clearly not lift Allen’s mood.

Instead he sighted and stood up.

“I’m sure he is, together with all the other souls you’ve saved.”

He held out his hand to a slightly shocked Allen.

Kanda knew that one of Allen’s strongest wishes was for all souls to be saved, but he didn’t include himself in that project. He fought only for others, forgetting that he himself was just as vulnerable, if not more. That was why Kanda did what he did, the reason why he was angrier with Allen than with anyone else;

He needed Allen to realise that.

The kid just didn’t see the big picture, like he had told Kanda; his heart only reached out to what was in front of him. But why couldn’t he see that what he did only brought himself pain? Was he really that stupid?

The thought of Allen turning himself into some kind of sacrifice made Kanda furious. Allen wasn’t a sacrifice, he was Kanda’s equal and he was a precious friend. He would of course never admit that to anyone, but that was his true feelings.

In one way, the sparrow reminded him of Allen. If he hadn’t been there to take care of Allen, who knows what would have happened. The sparrow had died

Kanda wanted Allen to realise that he wasn’t alone; that someone would be there to pull him back on track when he needed it, and that he had comrades.

Because Kanda had once thought he was alone and he knew that the feeling was hellish. But since Kanda didn’t know how to tell Allen what he meant, he did it through his actions.

That was why, when Allen accepted his offer and grabbed his hand, he pulled Allen into a stiff, yet tender embrace.

“Kanda, wha—“

“Shut up.”

And Allen shut up and accepted the embrace. Kanda was acting weird, but Allen found the embrace strangely comforting.

“You know Kanda; many people knows what to say in any situation, but you don’t say anything, you just act based on your emotions.”

Kanda grumbled. “What do you mean by that?”

Allen chuckled and looked up at Kanda’s face. He released the grip he had on Kanda’s back and placed his hands on each of Kanda’s chins instead. He raised himself on his tip-toes and then lightly pressed his lips on Kanda’s. he pulled away almost at once, wanting to see how Kanda reacted.

“I kinda like it.”


Like I said, a very...surprising ending, but I just had to add a kiss. I mean, what is yullen without fanservice? xD

First post ^^yay

This is my first post so it has a lot of meaning. To me at least ^_^

Boring day really. Nothing happened, except for me getting this journal XD
Anyone else besides me that hates trigonometry? We have a test next Tuesday and it's about exactly that :(